Cut me open

Introspective

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 03:07:39 GMT

Maybe a year isn't so long...

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 16:47:24 GMT

I'm sure I'll be writing a more detailed report later.
But for now. All I can say is.

I'm pretty sure everytime I hear Ecstacy by ATB
I'm going to burst into tears.

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 02:04:55 GMT

SFHKSJFHKSJFH PANDAA.

Sorry. I will update soon.
Too much has been happening. Too much has happened. Too much happens.
But ahh.

Mm.

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 07:11:19 GMT

I was

chubby
kind
glasses
anime&&video games
fantasy
self loathing
jelously&&malice
fake
listener
afraid

I have become

stronger
cigarette burns
ecstacy&&ketamine
talkative
insane
cold
easily disconnected
easy to connect to
slut
lonely
lovely
needy

I am becoming

selfish
a horrible person
addict
in love
crazy&&wonderful
scared

I always was and always will be
OBLIVIOUS

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 01:37:11 GMT

I don't understand

I don't get it. I honestly...I don't know. I've been hurting people. I've been negligant and nonchalant and foolish with almost all the decisions I've made lately. I know I've been hurting people and the fact that I'm completely burned out and mindless is no excuse. I want to take responsibility for what I've done but I don't even know where to begin.

I really...I don't like myself right now. I've been lying to people, to parents, to myself. I've become someone I don't even know but I know I don't like. I'm like a creature. I'm like nothing I could even want to meet or become.

I've changed shapes before but never have I been so stupid.

I want to heal the wounds I've inflicted. I want to still the nightmares I've stirred. I want to press rewind and kiss booboos and make everything right and make everything wrong go away. But I know I can. And that's all I can do--recognize that what I've done was wrong, but I'm capable of little else at this point.

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 14:59:11 GMT

Myr. Tonight.

Basically.

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 22:15:31 GMT

Smile.

I mean, why not. Smile. We don't have much time here, do we.
So smile, dammit.
Smile.

Just fucking enjoy yourself
and smile.
Forget everyone else
They'll love you more if forgotten
So you can do what makes you
Smile

Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:08:02 GMT

So my hair is now black with pink purple blotches all over.
It looked good for a while, but now I'm starting to worry how other will react.

Whatever. I'm happy with it.

I miss an ICP show and a rave this weekend, so I spent saturday doing hw and woke up at 8 am today. I'm purdy dissapointed.

Whatever. Obldadi, Oblada. Life goes on. Bra.

God bless John Lennon.

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 03:54:54 GMT

I'm getting sick. I can feel it.

And I'm really, really

Not in the mood for dissapointment.
This is pointless.

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 16:17:18 GMT

Am I just wasting my goddamn time?

Nothing's balanced or equal to me anymore. It seems like there always HAS to be something wrong with someone, or someone HAS to get hurt. It seems like everyone's fake, everyone's full of shit, everyone's a fucking bitch, and I'm just constantly caught in crossfire. If I'm not 100% for someone or something, I'm evil. I'm a poser. I'm a fucking asshole. But all I am is indecisive. I just want to discover things and meet people and try things slowly. I want to get done what needs to be done, then I'll go live my life. But it feels like everyone's on another page. They're always doing what I did, or vice versa. At this rate, I don't think I'll ever catch up.

Sorry, emo rant. But I really am confused and exahusted and hurt. So if anyone has any advice, I'll gladly take it to heart.
Bye.

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 21:31:15 GMT

I need to redeem this empty life.

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 02:52:01 GMT

I
start
10th
grade

tomorrow.

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 19:59:19 GMT

He opened his eyes last night, but died this morning.
I feel like complete shit. I can't even go to the funeral. I know there're worse situations, harder deaths to cope with and everything, and I'm sorry for everyone's lossses, but please bear with me here. I loved Joe Yarmack. My great grandfather. In my mind he's still alive, because his spirit was just too strong to quit that easily. He was STABBED 27 times. And he still lived to be 97.

My dad's lost in a cloud of oblivion and euphoria with his bagels and movies. He hates my mom's family, but he loved Joe. My mom gave up Jenny for the day and locked herself up in her room with tuna and cigarettes. I'm just wandering.

I'm just not used to this.
I'm taking a temporary leave of myself and hibernating myself with my family for a couple days. My phone will be off.
Bye.

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 06:21:30 GMT

You know what would be amazing?

If people stopped being so goddamn selfish. I'll give it a try. If we all stop talking shit. Stopped complaining about our lives, editing our story with pounds of self pity and nonchalant. Stopped being so greedy about love and letting it take over our lives. If we stopped being so defensive for negative actions done to us and instead took care of it in mature terms.

It would also be amazing to be able to make up your mind about love, lust, desire.

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 22:08:50 GMT

oh, and did I forget to mention that I started a new myspace? ^^;;;
and so it begins.

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 22:08:11 GMT

Top ten reasons why Rosie will forever hate FFVIII:

10. Stupid main boss

9. Underdeveloped story line
8. Emo Squall
7. Rinoa *twitch*
6. There are very few secret levels or items
5. There are virtually NO GOOD PLACES TO TRAIN
4. ....Rinoa......
3. Retarded junction system
2. No accessories, no mp, and magazines to get weapon
And then....
1. THERE IS NO CHOCOBO BREEDING

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 19:34:03 GMT

MY FUCKING MYSPACE HAS BEEN DELETED LOLZ.
oh god I'm gonna fucking kill someone ITS THE SECOND TIME.
nyeh. NYEH. I ITCH FOR BULLETINS.
Please. someone start posting random song lyrics and questionares that no one cares about to calm my nerves.
please.

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 03:30:21 GMT

damn it all. I'm home.
Again.

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 05:58:24 GMT

I'm going down to Manhatten Beach again this weekend. Kind of a last minute thing, but I'm looking forward to it. I was gonna go to a rave but shit happens. I can't wait for the next one. I really need to sweat out all these sins and toxins and roll a little. Just a little.
Little by little.

By the way. I love listerine. And butterflies.
:]

But I feel so distanced from myself. I can't even think any more. Its like there's this tiny overlord hippe-stoner in my head that refuses any full or negative thoughts. I can still feel hatred for people and things though, so have no fear. But its like I can't even process an action or take in anything that someone says. Its really scaring me.

And I keep having this longing. Its really stupid, I know, but
I want someone to hold me. Fuck.

Laugh. Happy? Okay. Good. I aim to please. But in all seriousness, that's all I really want right now. To lay down next to someone and just be wrapped in them. Anyone. I need just a break from the world. I haven't felt safe like that in so long. I haven't felt safe at all in ages.

Hum. Sad.
Here.

Old. But I just uploaded em xD;;

I've been so depressed lately, so again, I'm really sorry to anyone and everyone I've been droopy or boring or pissed at. I've lost control of my life. I've lost it to no one.
I need a vacation from vacation.

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 04:21:58 GMT

hard core heart break
antagonizing letdown
lets break
down
lets smile for squirttle
in portrayle of false icons
we sin in our own blood
we bathe in our own lies
we creep from behind curtains
we hide from mirrors
we sleep to abide our lives
loves, passions

let go
let go
lets be free
free to spend our lives doing nothing
going nowhere
believing in athetism
to send us where we belong
where do we belong?
do we truly belong in agony
for deeming the name of everything
or do will we live on in limbo
and neither fall nor float
until some new path is created
and we are born to bore new nonbelievers
in a vicious cycle that ends
only when time gives us a cue

are we sanctioned to fear that we don't know?
don't you bleed like me?
don't you run beside me?
then what is there to fear?
sexual preditors
and mental idealers
will always get in the way
but we can fall under an illusion of love
until the right one comes along
we can support each other into the darkness
right?

let go.
let go.
you see these scars
let go
let go
you can never be me

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 04:13:50 GMT

I started a new story.
enjoy?

I am a peril onto my own self. I plague my own self. I am the disease. I am the enemy. Senseless acts of treason performed on my body daily—the evidence is in the broken lives, blood veins, and destroyed and tousled wrappers. In the toilet bowl filled to the cold brim with blood, bile, and reconstituted processed emptiness. The cure…the cure cannot come. Self acceptance? To like myself is even more treasonous than suicide.

This is my story.

Sunday. June…maybe July. The air was thick with California sunshine and mugginess, though it was still morning. My body rejected all forms of consciousness, but the cell phone on the night table beside me refused to quit. Even under the roar of the fan directly next to my ears, the ringtone continue to blare its annoying little sound and proclaim its existence. After about fifteen minutes of the struggle, I finally snatched up the silver bundle that I so dearly loved. Up until this moment.

“Mmmph.” I growled into the receiver, only to hear nothing at all. The caller had hung up. With a whimper of protest, I waited another minute. But no. Not a fucking thing.

“Yo’ must b’ bloody kiddin’ me…” I slurred and clicked the redial button. Quickly, an overly energetic voice chirped over the line.

“Hey! What’s up?” Squeaked an oh-so dear friend’s voice. One I just couldn’t place at the moment. No matter.

“You woke me from my slumber.” I snapped groggily. “What is it you want.”

A giggle.

“Go back to sleep then.”

“No.” From the ‘hmm’, I would figure she didn’t like my retort.

“Well. I was wondering if you wanted do something later, but if you’re not feeling up to it…”

“I am. Gimme a couple of hours. I’ll call you.”

It seems I’d pleased the beast, because she hung up after that. She’ll have to call me though. No chance I’d put myself out there and call someone to do something.

This is my logic. Deal.

I somehow made it out of bed at that point and slumped over to the bathroom. Cold water quick fix. I glared into the reflection glaring back at me. Ice eyes rimmed with smeared eyeliner I’d forgotten to take off the night before. Fat cheeks. High cheek bones, high fat. Wet self enticed bangs. I sighed. Why I was cursed to look the way I did, I’d never know. I looked down at my wrist and peeled of my nearly crusted black wristband. A collection of x’s and words of desperateness shone back at me. I smiled.

Getting better all ready.

“Good morning sunshine!!” My father swooned. I smiled despite myself at his middle aged silliness. In his arms, an overweight log of fluff stared petrified at the ground below and clutched to my father’s chest for dear life. He beamed a smile bigger than his own face. “Any plans for today?”

“Nah.” I replied, reaching into the fridge for milk, then brought down a box of cheerios. I don’t take shit from anyone about cheerios. Their magically delicious. Period.

“Then who was that I heard calling all morning?” He asked.

“I dunno.” I said with as innocent a voice I could muster, which wasn’t very difficult considering I didn’t actually know who it was. I plopped into a chair and munched on my oaty o’s until the last sweetened drop of milk had been licked clean out the bowl. I dumped the bowl into the sink and headed back into the bathroom. Up went the toilet seat.
Life is so mundane. Anything you do will eventually become routine. It started off as just a once in a while thing, when I overate, I just ran to the toilet. Now I do it every meal, every meal, regardless. Now my life is built around the brim. Now porcelain predicts my course of action. For my sake, of course.

I don't think its that good so far, but I have alot of ideas swimming through my head for the course of the protagonist. Her life is simple. And similar.
smile.

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 02:54:38 GMT

I think I'm starting to wake up
I think I'm starting to come alive

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 17:17:30 GMT

Death
Is nature's most powerful
Aphrodesiac.

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 15:50:14 GMT

last night was medly of near death moments. flash after flash after flash. wake. cough. choke. move. hot. move. cold. I'm going to the docotor today. thank god.

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 07:52:41 GMT

I'm relieving my life. This is horrifying to me. The numbness. The annoyance. Even the sore throats and back aches. The black outs and heart breaks. I did not even intend for that to rhyme.

I'm freaking out a little bit right now.
Read my oldest entries (decemeber-september) to see how I'm feeling right now.
This is so scary.